March Blandness

You've read their work (okay, scanned the headlines) all season. But given Northeast Ohio's fierce lineup of hackneyed columnists, it's impossible to pick the worst. So, in the spirit of the season, we propose a tournament -- with you, our wise and insightful readers, serving as judge and jury.

E-mail your pick for the Worst Columnist in Northeast Ohio to firstpunch@clevescene.com. Whoever comes up with the best reasoning not only pushes their favorite columnist to the tournament title, but wins a $50 gift certificate from Don's Lighthouse.

The best responses will be printed in an upcoming issue.

Tom Feran, Plain Dealer

Typical Column: A bad stand-up comedian tackles current events. Taking a Stand: Wrote an entire column about how to pick a good melon at the supermarket. Concluded that “it's pretty difficult to pick a bad one.” Wearing Out Shoeleather: Rewrote an article from Forbes ranking the fortunes of fictional characters. (Batman is worth $6.3 billion in Monopoly money.) Stunning Epiphany: “Why am I cleaning the gutters when I could be watching televised sporting events instead? It is a profound question, and it is one that many of us encounter.” Moment of Greatness: “If there's one thing you can be sure of, it's this: Saddam Hussein has his hands on some tiny nuts. The question is what he intends to do with them.” Handicapper’s Call: Would do better as the dopey mascot who leaps off a trampoline for a jaw-dropping dunk.

Dick Feagler, Plain Dealer

Typical Column: Him and his buddies squawking about how today sucks and the old days didn’t suck. Taking a Stand: Used his inability to perform at the self-checkout line at Kmart to argue that machines shouldn’t put people out of work. Wearing Out Shoeleather: Pretends to drive to coffee shop to talk to imaginary friends. Stunning Epiphany: “So many people have cell phones now that the pay telephone soon will be obsolete.” Moment of Greatness: “It's got to be tough being a believing, committed atheist in America . . . For example, what does he do when he stubs his toe?” Handicapper’s Call: Stuck in a 1956 offense and refuses to shoot the three. Thinks it’s a newfangled gimmick.

Jewell Cardwell, Akron Beacon Journal

Typical Column: Hopeful tale of ordinary citizen doing good. Taking a Stand: A program showing students the obstacles handicapped people face “ought to be required learning in all schools.” Wearing Out Shoeleather: Only columnist in Northeast Ohio who had courage to expose the Great Pierogi Cook-In as a “pocketful of memories.” Stunning Epiphany: Went to two schools to ask students about Presidents’ Day. Her startling revelations: “It is when we celebrate all of the Presidents of the United States. But mostly it's for the two old ones -- Abe Lincoln and George Washington -- who died.” Moment of Greatness: “Folks fortunate enough to be invited to several homes in the Greater Doylestown area will be feasting big time on sauerkraut balls.” Handicapper’s Call: Cardwell is too busy “checking up on the area’s good folks” to make any big plays.

Michael Heaton, Plain Dealer

Typical Column: Think of your grandpa growing a ponytail and writing about hip stuff. Taking a Stand: The Rolling Stones may be old, but they can still rock the house! Wearing Out Shoeleather: Known for working his sources on the street: “Last Sunday morning I was sitting on the couch with Miss Thing and Peaches channel surfing when we came across a movie on American Movie Classics . . .” Stunning Epiphany: Recognized that a balding old fart could have a sweet gig masquerading as the “Minister of Culture.” Moment of Greatness: Figured out his job description after driving to New York to write about September 11: “I was only required to record the emotions of others. And make my deadlines. I talked to a lot of people. It wasn't hard to do.” Handicapper’s Call: The perfect 12th man. Prefers to ride pine rather than play, just so those checks keep coming.

Pete Kotz, Scene

Typical Column: A whiskey-induced rant on the virtues of manliness and the evils of yuppiedom. This from a guy who drives a minivan. Taking a Stand: Crowned a backup soccer goalie “Best Man in Cleveland.” Wearing Out Shoeleather: For article on the evils of the Free Times, interviewed former Free Times writers -- the same ones he hired to work at Scene. Stunning Epiphany: Told LeBron James that if he bought a Cadillac, he’d have “women coming like a herd of moose.” Moment of Greatness: Proved he’s down with the homos in column called “Calling All Queers.” Handicapper’s Call: Plenty offensive, but refuses to play man-to-man defense. Thinks it’s “too fruity.”

Roldo Bartimole, CityNews